Winners and Losers

I am a prosecutor. As part of any case, we demand that the defendant pay restitution to the victim. Recently a disgruntled employee stole instant-lottery games from her employer, a local grocery store, and a few of those tickets were winners. She must repay the grocer the face value of the stolen tickets. But who should get her winnings? The defendant? The state lottery system? The person who bought the first tickets after the theft (who buys only winning lottery tickets)? — ANDREW BONAVIA, ITHACA, N.Y.


The winnings should be sent immediately to:

Jeff Glasse
57 Thompson Street
NY NY 10012


Minutes before my first lunch date with a man I met online, he called to cancel because he was hit by a bicycle and was in the emergency room at Roosevelt Hospital. I later called the E.R. to check on him, and a nurse said he was never there. Weeks after that, I heard about another woman with whom he used the same excuse: hit by a bike; in the E.R. Is it dater beware, or is there an obligation to be honest even online? — BETH ROSE FEUERSTEIN, LONG BEACH, N.Y.

You were stood up by an internet date and then you called the ER where he said he was to check up on him? Time to kill yourself.

The Cowardly doctor and Backwards Rube

I am a physician. A 30-year-old woman, a student at a local school, came for an initial visit. Her condition was unremarkable. A few weeks later the administrator of her school, a longstanding patient, mentioned how impressive it is that this woman continues to study despite having terminal cancer. The school even held a fund-raiser to help with her medical bills. I said nothing, but must I let the school know that she does not have cancer? May I confront her about this? — NAME WITHHELD


"May I?" What are you, a member of the brady bunch? An unethical person never asks this question; in fact, "may" does not exist in the unethical leicon. The twin questions you should be asking yourself is "Can I, and if I can, will I profit in any way?"

The answer, of course, is yes and yes. You can confront her, and you should, because this is a situation rife with opportunity for extortion. Privately, and after performing a careful analysis of just how much money she may be making on her little scheme, confront her and threaten to embarass her in front of all of her "friends." Fear of embarassment is a powerful motivator, and you can almost certainly make off with a bundle.


My son and daughter-in-law belong to a church with different beliefs from mine, and thus my new grandchildren, a few months old, were not going to be baptized. My 1950s Catholic background would not let me sleep, so I snuck them off to the laundry and performed private rites. Do I get eternal reward or damnation? — NAME WITHHELD

The short answer? You get neither. You get to die, like everyone else. So stop wasting your life on bullshit. Church is for crazy people. Buy a science book and stop wasting my time with your superstitious nonsense.

Refs, Widowers, and Lying Universities

I officiate youth hockey. In nonleague games, it is the coaches who pay the two officials. At one game, one team’s coach (whom I knew) paid the other official the normal fee but tucked away extra money for me. When my co-official asked if I had gotten the same wage, I said yes so he would not feel cheated. Was it ethical for this coach to pay me extra when the other official and I are the same age, have the same experience and both did the same amount of work? — A.M., NEW JERSEY

--Taken from the New York Times,

The only person guilty of anything here is you -- you should have held out for more. Clearly this chump was looking to buy the game, and as any unethical person knows, in a situation like this, if you don't act unethically, someone else will. Remeber, there's no shame in exploiting every situation to your maximum benefit -- unethical behavior requires that you ask in every human interaction "What's in it for ME?"

Next time a coach offers you money to buy the game, look down disdainfully at the pittance he is offering, then throw it back in his face while yelling profanities (spitting is good here too). Take special care to let him know that your offense is not about the notion of bribery (which you embrace) but rather the insultingly low amount he offered you. Point out that some of your calls will be so obviously wrong and in his team's favor that you are risking serious injury at the hands of the other team (and/or their fans), and his bribe should take this risk into account. Then offer, for an extra fee, to sleep with the opponent's wife, and post the whole thing on youtube. The sky's the limit!


I am a recently widowed father of two boys and an 11-year-old girl. My daughter likes to have friends sleep over. We are new to the area, and I know very few of their parents. Am I obliged to call them and let them know there is no mommy in the house? — C.M., NEW JERSEY

Dude. You are going about this all wrong. What you need to do is this: have your daughter list all of her friends with single moms. Call them all, playing the sad, lonely widower card, and say you'd like to form an online support group for single parents. Then, once you've seen their myspace pages, pick the hottest one and invite her to "co-chaperone" your daughter's stupid party. Then slip her something after the kids are asleep.

While recruiting alumni to interview prospective students, my university told us to allay applicants’ anxiety by saying, “This interview can only help you; it can’t hurt you.” But the organizer told of reporting on a candidate who revealed only negative information about herself, and the interview form explicitly requests both positive and negative information. Is it unethical to tell an applicant that the interview can only help? D.D., SEATTLE

Let's face it -- the only reason to put up with kids in the first place is that they're fun to lie to -- those naive morons will believe anything! To maximize your enjoyment at their expense, I'd recommend amping up your lies. In the middle of the interview, for example, close the door and explain that this is not a college interview at all, but rather a recruitment meeting for a shadowy organization of assassins known only as the "Paladins" (make sure to use da Vinci Codesque references, as that's considered nonfiction by most people born since 1985). Then send them on some goofy adventure that will put them in harm's way. Remember -- the unethical mind is compelled to help evolution along by putting morons in dangerous situations whenever possible.